Frustrations

I'm not usually one to complain, at least not on a grand scale. But there have been a number of things going on lately that I just need to vent about.

My baby is going to be 6 months old this week. Normally, this is the time when an infant of this age is starting to sit up, roll over, things like that.

Not my kid.

He's crawling, climbing, and teething. He's got one little tooth already, and the next one is on it's way. He's already tried to climb the stairs (didn't get very far!) and tonight while I was cooking dinner, he pulled a small table over, breaking 2 large Yankee candles into the carpet. Needless to say, I freaked out, grabbed him and tossed him to the hubby, and then grabbed my older son and yanked him to safety; we cleaned up the glass after we realized that they were just scared and not hurt at all, but I fell apart, clinging onto my oldest for dear life while bawling like a big baby.

I felt like a failure as a mother. The worst mother in the world. I still sort of feel that way, even though I know it's not true.

The baby is also refusing to sleep. Nighttime is my one respite; he will actually sleep through the night, and has been since he was 9 weeks old. The problem is that he's almost refusing to nap during the day. Today, he took ONE 2 hour nap. That's it. It's killing me! Here's how my days go these days:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday:

~Up by 6 or 6:30 (depending on when the baby wakes up!) to breastfeed the baby.

~Showered and dowstairs by 7:30 to relieve Dad so he can finish getting ready to go to work.

~Make sure the oldest has eated breakfast and shove something down my throat by 8:30, which is when we have to leave to get the oldest to school (it's half and hour away). Once I get him to school, I spend the morning with my Mom at her house, because she lives 5 minutes from school, and it's stupid for me to come all the way home just to go all the way back and forth 4 times a day, 3 times a week. This means I can only get my housework done on Tuesday's and Thursday's, and that's NOT ENOUGH!!!!!

Tuesday's and Thursday's:

~The first two things on the list for the other days are the same, but thank goodness I don't have to go to school! (Although, next year he will be in 5 day preschool; Lord only knows what I'm gonna do then!)

~Get as much housework done as I can, and then hope to heaven that the baby takes naps like he's supposed to. Tueday nights we have small group, so dinner must be quick so we can be there by 6:30. Thursday nights, dinner must also be quick because hubby has a class that he must go to, and therefore I must get the kids bathed and put to bed by myself. This is a feat, let me tell you!

Cna you understand why I'm exhausted by the weekend? Not to mention that my in-laws are coming this particular weekend so hubby and I can attend a family wedding on Saturday. This entails extra housework that I must do, which needs to be done, anyway.

Just writing this is cathartic; Seeing it on the screen helps me realize that I have a lot on my plate. Even more than I thought. No wonder I feel like having a nervous breakdown!

Wow. It's been more than a month since the last time I wrote anything. And what a month it has been.

As much as I've written about how God is a loving, wonderful, caring God, sometimes I can't help but feel hypocritical. I think I'm doing the right things, and then BAM! I find out that I have ignored one of the basic things that God ever asked of me, and I have been doing this for many years.

You see, I've never been baptized. I grew up in the Methodist church. In the Methodist tradition, they baptize infants. I, as an infant, was baptized. The problem, then? I don't believe in infant baptism. Period. I believe that baptism is a choice that one makes after they are saved, as a direct submission to God's will and authority. An infant cannot make this choice, therefore an infant can only be dedicated until he or she makes that decision for him or herself.

When my first son was born almost 4 years ago, my husband and I dedicated him to God. God gave him to us to raise, but only for a time. He belongs to God. So, we dedicated him. The preacher sprinkled water on his head, but that didn't mean anything to me, really. My greatest wish is that my husband and I will raise him in the Lord, and he will make that decision for himself one day. Then, he can be baptized. The preacher that did the service never made an argument for baptism vs. dedication, so I just assumed my way, and life was fine.

My youngest son was born 5 months ago. When I went to our current pastor to talk about a dedication service, I was told, "the Methodist Church does not dedicate. We baptize." Understand that this is the church and these are the people that I have known all my life. I'd gone to that church for 30 years, and the only reason that I didn't go for 2 was because I lived in Richmond. This was NEVER brought to me in such a fashion. I didn't really know how to take it, so I did some research. Fact is, he's right. They don't dedicate. This was not OK in my or my husband's eyes. We resigned from that church at the end of June. I believe that this was one of the most difficult decisions that I've ever made in my life.

We looked around this summer for a new church. It was very important that we find one that was preaching the TRUE Word of God, not watered down, politically correct nonsense. God is and has never been politically correct. After trying a few, we found one that was relevant to our lives and the pastor is preaching the truth. We signed up for a membership class and found out a lot more about the church itself, and decided that this was where God was leading us to be.

There is only one thing standing in my way. I cannot be a full member until I've been baptized. My husband was baptized a few years ago, but I again, never saw the need. After talking about it with the pastor, I decided that I should do it.

Why, then, do I feel hypocritical? Because something that was so important for my children, I didn't feel was that important for me. "Do as I say, not as I do" kind of mentality. Now, however, I feel that it is of the utmost importance, and I am to be baptized Tuesday night. How can I be a good example to my children of submission to God if I don't submit? It cannot happen.

I have mixed feeling about it, though. For one, I am ashamed of myself. I've told so many people about the fact that I am a Christian, but I haven't done one of the most important things that God asks of me. What took me so long, I wonder? Was it because I was misled in my beliefs, or was I just stubborn? I really don't know the answer to that question. It was probably a bit of both, if I were to be completely honest.

Now, however, I feel that God is commanding that I do it, even though I don't feel worthy. I wonder how it will feel? Will I have a "religious experience", or will I just get wet? I hope the former. I look forward to, and pray that God will be there. I know He will be.